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WHAT WOULD PATTON HAVE SAID?
Attention!
OK you whining, panty-waisted, pathetic Maggots,
it's time
for a little refresher course on exactly
why we
Americans occasionally have to fight wars.
See if you can tear yourself away from your #%@^$!
and
Starbucks for a minute, pull your head out of your flabby
ass and LISTEN UP!!
THIS is not "torture"
nor is it an "atrocity."
This is the
kind of thing frat boys, sorority girls,
and academy
cadets do to newcomers.
A little fun at someone else's expense.
Certainly no reason to wring your hands or get
your
panties in a wad. Got that Kennedy?
THIS IS an atrocity!
So Was This!!!
WHICH PART OF "HAD ENOUGH" DON'T YOU GET?
Islam a peaceful religion???
Millions of these sons-of-bitches are plotting as we speak to
destroy our country
and our way of life any way they
can. Some of them are here among us now.
They don't want to convert you and don't want to rule you.
They want your butt prints removed from the sands of time.
You are a vile infestation of something called Allah's
paradise.
They don't
give a shit how "progressive" you are, how peace-loving you
are,
or how much
you sympathize with their cause.
They want
you dead, and think it is God's
grand will for them to do it quicker than crap through a
goose. You still think Bush and Ashcroft are your
worst enemies?
John Kerry thinks if he gives them a hug or leads a couple of
rounds of "Kumbaya," they'll all of a sudden start liking
the US of A. And you agree with that?
Get a grip, dumb ass.
If they manage to get their hands on a nuke, chemical agents,
or even some garden variety anthrax you will wish to God and
not those snot-nosed bubble heads on television we had
hunted them down and killed every goddam one of them when we
had the chance.
So
stop bitching about your health care the Constitution doesn't
guarantee you anyway, your Social Security, the price of gas and
your measly 6% unemployment rate and spend a little time
fretting about your family and your friends.
How
many more Americans must be beheaded before you stop blaming
Bush for
all your troubles and grab your own balls for a change.
You've fallen asleep AGAIN
Maggots!
And you may not get another chance!
NOW GET OFF YOUR SORRY ASS and do something a little more
productive than reading what Maureen Dowd or Molly Ivins
think. You should have learned by now they don't.
Pass this on instead of their safely-out-of-range bitching
and moaning.
Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following
multiple
choice
test. The events are actual cuts from past history. They
actually
happened!!!
Do you remember?
-1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by
a. Superman
b. Jay Lenno
c. Harry Potter
d. Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40
1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and
massacred
by
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
3.During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in
Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70
year old
American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his
wheelchair
by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6.In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy
diver
trying
to
rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7.In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9.In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed
by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill' s
women
problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10..On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as
missiles
to
take
out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one
crashed into
the
US
Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the
passengers.Thousands
of
people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11.In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan
against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
Nope, .....I really don't see a pattern here to justify
profiling, do
you?
So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly
fanatics
intent
on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be
allowed to
profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of
80-year-old
women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification,
secret
agents
who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old
Congressmen
with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning and former Governor
Joe
Foss,
but leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone because
of
profiling.
Let's send this to as many people as we can so that the Gloria
Aldreds
and
other dunder-headed attorneys along with Federal Justices that
want to
thwart common sense, feel doubly ashamed of themselves - if they
have
any
such sense.
As the writer of the award winning story "Forrest Gump" so aptly
put it,
"Stupid is as stupid does."
Come on people wake up!!!
Keep this going. Pass it on to everyone in your address book.
Our Country and our troops need our support!
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
____________________________________
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable products.
____________________________________
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way.. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
____________________________________
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
____________________________________
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
____________________________________
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?
____________________________________
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
____________________________________
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around!
____________________________________
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
____________________________________
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
____________________________________
Well, I hope this has cleared up any
misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets. And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
If you aren't ashamed to do this, please pass this on.
Jesus said, " If you are ashamed of me," I will be ashamed
of you before my Father."
Not ashamed. Passing this on
Now this is something to look forward too..
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay
calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_______________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house
together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come
up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up
the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on
wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's
at the door." _______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other,
"Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third
man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she
ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked
up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said,
"Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take
the soup."
_______________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENTCENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds
her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my
hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts
out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now
don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time.. but I just
can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three
minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you
need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be
careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over
the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.. The
stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went
through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was
red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just
ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
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