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It's funny (don't break chain refer this site www.mylocation.net)


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5 Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8 David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

********************************

GREAT TIPS FOR HEALTH

Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve

headache pain almost immediately -- without the

unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."

 

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns?

 

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints.

They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

 

Achy muscles from about of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in a cup of olive oil.

Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

 

Sore Throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon  six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

 

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms.

Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the product has never been advertised for this use.

Eliminate puffiness under your eyes..... All you need is a dab of preparation H, carefully rubbed into the skin, avoiding the eyes. The hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor, relieving the swelling instantly.

 Might give you a crappy outlook too?

Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a band-aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin, sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

 

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus... Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash.

The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

 

Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

 

Coca-Cola cure for rust... Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.

 

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409.

Insects drop to the ground instantly.

 

Smart splinter remover... just pour a drop of Elmers Glue all over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

 

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure... cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress.   The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

 

Balm for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine...  a powerful antiseptic.

 

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

 

Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly.

Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.

 

Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly  making your dog smell springtime fresh.

 

Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear.  Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes  the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

 

Vaseline cure for hair balls..... To prevent troublesome hair balls, apply a dollop of  Vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat's nose. The cat will lick off the jelly, lubricating any  hair in its stomach so it can pass easily through the digestive system.

 

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief.... It's not just for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of  Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute,  cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

 

***********************************

Who is in a rush with no courtesy?

 

 

DO YOU SMELL THAT?
>
> At the end of this story, it gives you two options.
> I think you will figure out what option I chose.
>
>  A cold March wind danced around the dead of night in Dallas
> as the doctor walked into the small hospital room of
>  Diana Blessing. She was still groggy from surgery.
> Her husband, David, held her hand as they braced themselves
> for the latest news.
>
> That afternoon of March 10, 1991, complications had forced
> Diana, only 24-weeks pregnant, to undergo an emergency
> Cesarean to deliver couple's new daughter, Dana Lu Blessing.
> At 12 inches long and weighing only one pound nine ounces,
> they already knew she was perilously premature.
>  Still, the doctor's soft words dropped like bombs.
> "I don't think she's going to make it," he said, as kindly
> as he could.
>
> "There's only a 10-percent chance she will live through the
> night, and even then, if by some slim chance she does make
> it, her future could be a very cruel one."
>
> Numb with disbelief, David and Diana listened as the doctor
> described the devastating problems Dana would likely face
> if she survived.
>
> She would never walk, she would never talk, she would
> probably be blind, and she would certainly be prone to
> other catastrophic conditions from cerebral palsy to
> complete mental retardation, and on and on.
>
> "No! No!" was all Diana could say.
>
> She and David, with their 5-year-old son Dustin, had long
>  dreamed of the day they would have a daughter to become a
> family of four. Now, within a matter of hours, that dream
> was slipping away.
>
> But as those first days passed, a new agony set in for
> David and Diana.
>
> Because Dana's underdeveloped nervous system was
> essentially 'raw', the lightest kiss or caress only
> intensified her discomfort, so they couldn't even cradle
> their tiny baby girl against their chests to offer the
> strength of their love. All they could do, as Dana
> struggled alone beneath the ultraviolet light in the tangle
> of tubes and wires, was to pray that God would stay close
> to their precious little girl.
>
> There was never a moment when Dana suddenly grew stronger.
> But as the weeks went by, she did slowly gain an ounce of
> weight here and an ounce of strength there.
>
> At last, when Dana turned two months old, her parents were
> able to hold her in their arms for the very first time. And
> two months later, though doctors continued to gently but
> grimly warn that her chances of surviving, much less living
> any kind of normal life, were next to zero, Dana went home
> from the hospital, just as her mother had predicted.
>
> Five years later, when Dana was a petite but feisty young
> girl with glittering gray eyes and an unquenchable zest for
> life. She showed no signs whatsoever of any mental or
> physical impairment. Simply, she was everything a little
> girl can be and more. But that happy ending is far from the
> end of her story.
>
> One blistering afternoon in the summer of 1996 near her
> home in Irving, Texas, Dana was sitting in her mother's lap
> in the bleachers of a local ball park where her brother
> Dustin's baseball team was practicing.
>
> As always, Dana was chattering nonstop with her mother and
>  several other adults sitting nearby when she suddenly fell
> silent
>
> Hugging her arms across her chest, little Dana asked,
> "Do you smell that?"
>
> Smelling the air and detecting the approach of a
> thunderstorm, Diana replied, "Yes, it smells like rain."
>
> Dana closed her eyes and again asked, "Do you smell that?"
> Once again, her mother replied,
> "Yes, I think we're about to get wet. It smells like rain."
>
> Still caught in the moment, Dana shook her head, patted her
> thin shoulders with her small hands and loudly announced,
> "No, it smells like Him.
>
> It smells like God when you lay your head on His chest."
>
> Tears blurred Diana's eyes as Dana happily hopped down to
> play with the other children.
>
> Before the rains came, her daughter's words confirmed what
> Diana and all the members of the extended Blessing family
> had known, at least in their hearts, all along.
>
> During those long days and nights of her first two months
> of her life, when her nerves were too sensitive for them to
> touch her, God was holding Dana on His chest and it is His
> loving scent that she remembers so well.
>
> You now have 1 of 2 choices. You can either pass this on
> and let other people catch the chills like you did, or you
> can delete this and act like it didn't touch your heart
> like it did mine.
>
> IT'S YOUR CALL!
> "I can do all things in Him who strengthens me."
>
> This morning when the Lord opened a window to Heaven, He saw me,
> and He   asked: "My child, what is your greatest wish for today?" I
> responded:
> "Lord please, take care of the person who is reading this
> message, their family and their special friends. They deserve it and I
> love
> them
> very much" The love of God is like the ocean, you can see its
> beginning, but not its end.
>
>  This message works on the day you receive it. Let us see if it is
>  true.
>
>  ANGELS EXIST but some times, since they don't all have wings, we
> call them FRIENDS.
>
> Pass this on to your true friends. Something good will happen to
>  you at 11:00 in the morning; something that you have been waiting to
> hear.
>
>  This is not a joke; someone will call you by phone or will speak to
> you
>  about something that you were waiting to hear.
>
> Do not break this prayer; send it to a minimum of 5 people.
>


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An Interview with God

Mona Lisa .

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Deer Meets Durango

Brown Recluse Spiders

Car goes into a sinkhole

RUSH"S VIEW

THE MAN SONG WHO'S THEMAN

Run On Flat INFO

RunonFlat video

Dancing Fools

Evolution Of Dance

Best DUI Arrest EVER

Dodge Ram Commercial Which Got Pulled Because of its content

Having a Bad Day?

What were they thinking 1

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Beer commercial How men can ruin a nice evening

Lemonade Sales Show Great

Domino Pool Final

The Coat Guys

Chris Angel Magical Fruit

Sand Art to Music

Pam Foster

Crazy 911 calls

Sawed In Half

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Crocodile eats man scares police

Crane Falls Kills Car

America's Got talent Sawed in Half

 

 

 

 

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Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered  into the English language.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coca-Cola was originally green.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

 

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The